05 Feb Paralyzed With Fear
I love leading Young Life. I don’t know Statesboro or Georgia Southern without it. It seems everything is changing. Nothing is the same, except Jesus of course…
I love Statesboro and Georgia Southern, or at least I did. Statesboro doesn’t exhibit the comfort of home for me any longer. It won’t ever be the same after some of the emotions I’ve been forced to withstand over the past few months.
I don’t understand why things happen and why they have the ability to impact your life in such a drastic way. Why God? Some events have the ability to cripple you without your knowledge. It’s not until after the fact that you’re broken and left to pick up the pieces that you fathom the intensity of pain and grief.
Now, Statesboro doesn’t feel like home. My love for this place has washed away, just as the colors do from the leaves of fall when they succumb to winter. Everywhere around me, I am reminded of the pain, grief, events, and emotions that I do not want to endure or recall.
Some people may say that they are “paralyzed with fear.” I wouldn’t relate, I experience quite the opposite. When I fear, I get sick and I shake. I get physically sick and I have no control over my body’s reaction. It’s a result of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, often referred to as a panic attack.
But, do you really know what a panic attack entails? Have you actually experienced it? It’s not a joke. I shake uncontrollably with the irrational fear that my very life is at stake. I am unable to mentally rationalize with myself when the onset of my fear is vivid. I have flashbacks to things that I didn’t even know I could recall… situations that I most definitely do not want to relive.
Worse than physical sickness, I am prone to hyperventilation when I panic. My body exhales more air than it is physically able to inhale. My panic attacks are always provoked by emotional triggers. Not only do I mentally acknowledge the angst, but I physically suffer through the anxiety.
It sucks. And there’s no sugarcoating that.
But this is simply a trial in the bigger picture of life on Earth. Joy will reign again, as pain is only temporary.